Saturday, August 17, 2013

Confessions of a Gym Dweeb: Do I smell?

This is probably the most embarrassing confession I have ever shared. It's not gross. It's not disgusting. But I'm sure it'll get a giggle or a laugh (I hope) from you.

First of all, our bodies do the weirdest things. Some are hard to explain, but we're all organic and we expose to our bodies will have some sort of affect on way or another.

It may have been the food I ate the night before, or perhaps it was the leftovers that did me in.

Allow me to backtrack a bit. After certain meals, I like to store leftovers in Glad containers and place them in the freezer. Many times, these leftovers are from meals we had weeks or even months before.

I decided to take one of the containers out of the freezer for lunch on Friday. To me, it's a mystery meal, until it thaws to reveal the content. This particular lunch, the leftovers was spaghetti, but the spaghetti had a interesting taste to it. Perhaps it was left too long in the freezer. Regardless, I finished my meal.

I went to the gym, about four hours later. This is where the story gets a little funny.

So, I got to the gym. I started on the circuit weights, then made my way up to the treadmill. Around that time, I started to feel my stomach ache a bit. Something was wrong, but that didn't stop me from continuing my workout.

I got on the treadmill and started to run. At this point, I felt my body working on getting rid of whatever it had inside and didn't like.

It wasn't farting. I didn't feel gassy. But something was up. Perhaps something that is just un-explainable. 

I slowed from seven miles per hour to four miles per hour to assess the situation. That's when I smelled a stench.

"Is it me or is it the conveyor belt?" I wondered to myself.

I didn't feel anything. I didn't fart. It must be the conveyor belt. I moved to another treadmill, hoping that the smell would disappear.

It didn't.

It followed.

Of course, I thought, "Dude, who smells bad? It must be that guy over there."

Then it slowly dawned on me that perhaps that smell was coming from me, myself, and I.

I stopped. Again, assessed my situation, and decided that perhaps... oh, yes indeed, I'm permeating that disgusting smell, but how?

After noticing more people around me at the gym, I slowly collected my stuff and made myself to the exit.

The smell continued to follow me. It followed into my car. It even followed me to my son's day camp. And finally, it followed me to the house.

I couldn't let this awful stench continue--my wife was coming home within the next few minutes. I stripped out of my clothes and jumped in the shower.

I showered off that disgusting smell and came out feeling much more refreshed.

Perhaps I was emitting silent tiny sulfuric farts.

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